A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
- W.C. Fields
American beer is like making love in a canoe. It's fricking close to water.
- Monty Python
As a rule, I don't drink -- as a habit, I do!
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!
Beer: Now THERE'S a temporary solution
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your beer.
Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Give a man a beer, he'll waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, he'll waste a lifetime.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
- Frank Sinatra
I have a drink to celebrate the little things. Like Tuesdays - we only have one of those a week!
I swear to drunk I'm not God!
I'd rather have a beer than win father of the year.
- Homer Simpson
"At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself. The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
We never knew she was a drunk... until he showed up to work sober.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.
Don't forget that alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems.
No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?
One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, dozen beer by three hours,
and a workday – eight hours.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 10 beer!